Ranty Me.

I am a different person now.
Well, I feel different, yet the same.
The fears I had before, are not the fears I have now.
Some friends I had before, I no longer have.

I mostly feel like not talking about it, the miscarriage, because it's too personal. Too intense. It makes people uncomfortable. Geez, it's been nearly 7 weeks, aren't you over it by now?
I only really talk about about it with my husband. While we lay in bed at night. He and I watching the stars as they move across the sky slowly.

Only a select few have a window into what it was really like there, in the hospital that day. I can count them all on one hand. And I love each one, and pray each one is blessed for their kindness. And because of them, I have a love for Germany that runs deep into my soul.

From two of the people that were there with us, when I have looked in their eyes. I see no pity. Compassion but not pity.

Pity is the ONE thing I despise. I do not want anyone's pity. It makes my stomach churn. It makes me want to snarl. Or at the very least roll my eyes. I want to say to them If you never laughed with me, then you have no place to come and cry with me.
Expressing sorrow for our loss is one thing. It actually is nice and appropriate for someone to express condolences. And for the few people who have openly expressed their compassion and condolences for us, it warmed my heart. It meant more than you can know.

But going the extra mile to say you know, without saying you know, annoys me. Please don't send me packages of stuff in hopes 'stuff' will make me feel better. Or telling me to be glad I wasn't 7 months pregnant, really?

I hate that sometimes it made for fodder for conversation. Making me glad for the Atlantic, and all those sky miles seperating me from it all.

I expect no one to understand what I am feeling.
 It's anger. It's saddness. It's frustration. It's fear. It's resentment. All unapologetically. They are MY emotions, why should I apologize?

I am angry. I feel jipped. No one can give me any answers? WHY?
I am sad.  Why did my baby have to die?
I am frustrated. WHEN can we try again? SHOULD we try again?
I am afraid. What if it happens again?
I have resentment. I do NOT want to hear about anyone else's morning sickness, or how bad it is. She should be GLAD she is sick. She should relish it. She should take comfort in the fact that she knows her baby is still in there growing. I do not feel sorry for her, or wish her non-sick days before the 1st trimester is over. I don't. Deal with it, because I would've GIVEN anything to have kept feeling that nonstop nausea.

And it is NOT every single day that I feel this way. Some days, I feel just fine. I laugh hard with my husband. We good naturedly trash talk each other when we do our nerdy little jig saw puzzles. We plan trips to Berlin, and Prague. We plan our weekly menus. We go on walks. We do silly dances in the kitchen to crack each other up. We gossip. We quote our favorite movies, and days will go by without any tears falling. I can even look at the Natursutten pacifiers without feeling devastated.

But sometimes, something will catch me by surprise, someone will tell me about someone who is pregnant,  and I'll think...I just wish things could've been different.
And I feel in limbo...waiting to start again.