Bromocriptine, Clomid, and Me, Oh MY!

There we sat, in Dr. Rosin's office, as she told us, with concern in her eyes, that while my body thinks I'm ovulating, my ovaries...well, they are just sitting there arms folded shaking their heads back and forth saying "nope" in unison.
The tone of her voice was laced with concern, but she tried to ring the bells of positivity with her German accent.
You would think words like "We don't have the time to waste anymore..." 
"We can't just keep trying this or trying that in hopes it will work..."
"I don't know if you have any eggs left, or if you have a lot of eggs left but we don't want to risk anything at this point..."
And "If the clomid doesn't work after two cycles, I send you to specialists."
Would cause alarm and panic to rage through my body. I glanced over at Michael, whose eyes were wide, taking it in.
But, adrenaline was not rushing through me. No panic.
I felt calm. Rooted even.

My sister had called me the night before. "Do you have your Bible handy?" She asked right after our Hello! & howareyas?
I said "This is how I'm a terrible person, my Bible is in Georgia."
"Your BIBLE is in GEORGIA!? Well, do you have ANY Bible nearby?" She said.
"Sure. Mike's."
"Go Get it, You HAVE to read this." She said.
So, I go to get it and flip to Isaiah 54.
She said "Yeah, I found this when I was at church."
I read it and said "They taught a whole sermon on this? COOL."
She said "Well, not exactly. I was just looking, and found it."
I said "G-d was like 'yeah yeah...turn the page...keep turning...HERE, read this!"

1 “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the L-RD. 2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. 4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.


She's been struggling as well, and I know G-d was speaking to her personally. But, I also think He knew I'd need it, the very next day.

So, there I sat in Dr. Rosin's. Fully unafraid. I've seen with my own eyes the Love of My Creator.  I've felt it in the air arround me. I know above all G-d is in control.



I know this because of one 4 year old's birthday. It came after 4 years of personal struggle for me. There I sat on the floor watching her rip open presents and with pure joy, exclaiming with excitement at each discovery. I felt overflowing love for her. Love so strong that I was immediately humbled and I heard G-d whisper to me "See, I've been here all along while you were searching so hard for Me."  I had always believed in G-d, but at that moment, I finally FELT Him.

I firmly believe that is why I sat there in Dr.Rosin's pretty little office beside my husband, glancing at her desk calendar marked that Saturday was her daughter's 5 year old Geburts party, with the sun shining in through the filmy white and gray curtains, full of assurance.  Thinking: This. This is just another trial.

I think I sometimes hear the laughter of Sarah. Like Hannah I have a husband so very much like Elkanah, and I strive to pray with such passion. If we have a child, if we do not have a child, if this medicine works, if it does not...
I know G-d loves me.
Is that one shining moment at that birthday party enough to last me a lifetime? Absolutely.

Austria...the land of no Kangaroos

Salzburg, Austria.
You may be asking yourself, 'what inspired those two to choose Salzburg as a destination?' Or maybe you're not saying that at all.
But here's the reasoning behind our decision...
 Rick Steves. I know you already could tell the two of us are Rick Steves fans. Just look at us. We scream RICK! There we were tuning into his blu ray (Don't judge, YES, we purchase his tv shows.)
While Rick was whisking us away to To "Beautiful Baroque Salzburg!" ...  There we sat on our hideious hammie-down sofa, me in my infamous bo duke tee, paired with my favorite blue flannel jammie bottoms (the ones with the cresent moons on them). Mike was in his Star Wars loungies and matching tee.

There was Rick, in all his nerd glory standing in a fortress, talking about the endless Mozart concerts. (The Impromtu on the street concerts AND fancy pants ones in a concert halls.)

I looked over at my husband and said "Wow. That looks pretty. We should go."
He looked at me and said "Yeah. We should!"
Now, typically "yeah we should" means..."we'll get around to it someday..."
But when the episode was finished Mike got up and got our big yellow map book of Europe.
He said "Ya know, it's not THAT far from us."
I said "What isn't that far from us?"
He said "Salzburg."
I said "You know, I read that book (On Hitler's Mountain by Irmgard Hunt.) and her dad took her mom  on romantic get-a-ways to Salzburg."
He said "I remember you saying that."

Next thing I know, there our two happy selves are at the Bahnhof buying two train tickets whisking us away to Salzburg.
Everyone but everyone tells you travelling by train in Europe is simple, easy, and agreeable.
And guess what? Those people do not lie.  It was thoughtless travel. And before we knew it, there we were climbing off the train in Salzburg.
I have to preface this story with saying....our first impression of Austria was NOT that of a magical fairy land that dances to the tune of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. In fact, it looks more like a war torn former soviet town. Fresh off the train, the bahnhof area does not seem welcoming, and the rundown dirty cable cars look...like you need to hang tight to your euros.

We hop on the #2 bus (Perfect name for it. It smelled. It looked like you could get Botulism,  Leptospirosis, or maybe Trichinosis, just from standing ON it.)
Mike says to the driver: Sprechen Sie Englisch?
The Driver nods and says: Ja, a little. Sure.
Mike says: Will this bus go to the Mercure hotel?
The Driver says: Ja, sure. It goes to deer. Maybe...it is stop...(he counts on his fingers) Seben?
Mike says: Danke!

We count off the stops but at stop 6 NOT 7 the driver yells back "Hello? Dis one! Dis one is dee stops for dee hotel, ja? Ok?"
I yell back "Vielen Dank!!!" as we hop off the bus.

We found this same attitude everywhere we went. So, the bahnhof looks like there are children to be sponsored nearby and Sally Stuthers is going to hop out of the side hatch and ask you to spare a dime for them... But first looks can be deceiving. Austrians are not only nice but HELPFUL, and turns out Salzburg is beautiful, once you get past the grit.

We decided a night walk to old town would be perfect, that and we were hungry. Salzburg was beautiful at night. No shops were open but people were out milling about, despite the cold air coming off the Salzach River.
We were happy to get back to our hotel room and into our warm beds. Yes, we were twin bedding it June and Ward Clever style.

The next morning we got an early start to cram pack in as much Mozart as possible. After all, the town is famous because of him. He was born here, and he is still a major Rockstar. You can't walk without tripping over something Amadeus. He's like their Elvis...without the fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

We went to his Geburtshaus (Birth house) and his Residence. If you are ever in Salzburg...skip the Residence, go for the Geburtshaus. It's big, it's yellow and it has a HUGE sign that says "Mozart's Geburtshaus" You can't miss it.  We liked his birth house much better. You can see a lock of his hair, his childhood violin, a ring he was given from royalty (you see it in a portrait then on display).
His residence has his original piano and it's an audio guided tour so you do get to hear a lot of his music...but it just didn't pack the same punch as his birth house (In my humble opinion).

We also climbed up to the fortress for views of the city. We had HUGE pretzels, We went into the Salzburg Dom. This is a MUST see. The art alone will make you gasp. I felt so small in the huge cathedral. Interesting fact? In 1944, the Dom was bombed by the allies. I couldn't help but wonder if my grandfather (whose plane was shot down in Austria) could've had some connection with the bombings there...
But, it's now completely restored and very glorious...

We saw the statue of a man standing on a golden ball, and the human sized chess board. There were tons of dogs and lots of babies...and the window shopping is fantastic...but with stores like Louis Vuitton &Vogue, you can rest assured that ALL the Suman's did was window shop.
Like I'm going to spend over 1,000€ for a purse when we have a hand-me-down sofa? Uhm. my goodwill vintage purse find is more up my alley.

The strange/local color things we saw? A caricature of Hilter graffitied on a wall, a silver statue man of Mozart who was handing out postcards and bowing with grace. (He scared me). A man playing Amazing Grace on the accordion (VERY beautiful, too I might add) A mullet that was shaved on top and dred locked in the back, a blond eurotrash decked to the nines, a couple making out more than PG 13 style right in old town, a woman screaming in accented english that her food was "Shit" and she was "piss" (Pissed off). Mike wanted to make a video of that debacle.

Alas, we skipped the Sound of Music tour, promising ourselves we'll do it if/when we return.
We had a lovely time, and I think we enjoyed it more because we weren't in peak tourist season...
Those Mozart concerts that lured us there? Well, we didn't want to pay the big bucks for a fancy pants concert, when really we did a fly by the seat of your pants trip and didn't bring fancy pants clothes, and the impromtu ones? Yeah, there were signs that said "No Koncerts today."  Oh well, Macht's Nicht...

Salzburg was still beautiful. Still fun, and still enchanting....

Tess.

When you live far away from where home is...a whole ocean away... it mostly is exciting. Being in a new place, where the language you speak is the 'foreign' language, everyday can seem like an adventure.

Yet there are many times when the excitement is eclipsed by the distance.
Such was the time when Tess passed away. It didn't feel like a grand adventure. It felt distant. I actually felt exactly how far away we are from family, from friends, from home.

Now, it needs to be said, Tess is a cat. A cat that I tried ever so gently, ever so determinedly, ever so...forcefully to make 'my' cat. My pet. I adopted her. I took her home with me. I named her. I bought her toys and collars, and various kitty essentials.
In a nutshell, I loved her. I still do.
From the moment I took her to my mom's house, when she was but a wee kitten...Tess made it official. She was not my cat. Not for nothing.
Tess couldn't have cared less about me. Not that she didn't tolerate me, because she did. With her impatient tail flick she would let me lounge my head on her big bell. She would head butt me for affection.
From the moment she met my mom...well, I no longer exsisted. Well, no, that's not true. I became...an extra in her movie.
She loved mom. She would sit by mom. Sleep by mom. Spend time with mom.
Me? Yeah, she'd grouchie meow at me. IF she decided to acknowledge my presence.
Oh, but I still loved her.
I loved her for her moodiness. I loved her for her love of christmas. I loved her simply for the sweet way in which she carried her duck (named lucky duck) in her mouth like he was her kitten. She'd walk with him and cry/meow. She did this when she thought she was alone.
One sight of anyone, and she dropped the duck and looked impatiently in your direction. A cool denial of her affection for Lucky Duck.

Despite all her distance (to everyone but mom) She was a loving cat.
She loved music. She would lounge and listen to Aretha with my mom. Tess could hear the theme music to American Idol..and no matter where she was in the house, she'd bound to the Tv. Every single time it would come on. Then, as soon as the show was over....she went back to her business of lounging, napping, or just watching out the window.
She would talk to birds...and in her younger days, she was a huntress. Killing little mice who found a way to sneak inside. In her older days...she let one climb in her food bowl and scurry back outside...leaving the hunting to my parents.

Tess was a good cat. She was a family member. My mom had a close undeniable bond with her. They were a pair. And truly, Tess was in every way, my mom's cat. Or Mom was Tess's person, to put it more accurately.

So when my dad told me over the phone that she had died...it truly felt like a piece of me was missing. Living so far away, I felt the helplessness of not being able to say goodbye. I sobbed on our living room sofa while Michael tried to comfort me.
He gave me a cool washcloth to put on my forehead.
He got me a cool drink.
He looked at my photo album of Tess with me.
I told him about what kind of kitten she was. How silly she could be. The way she took a bite from my sister's sandwich when Tess thought Lynsey was taking too long to eat.
 I remember the last time I saw her. She head butted my hand. I told her I was going to Germany, but I'd be back. She purred and rubbed her head against my hand, then flicked her tail.
Funny how when I think of going home...I think of Soozie there to greet me..tail wagging in excitement. And of Tess...hopping off Mom's bed to come say Hi.

She will always live forever in my memory.