Losing The Great Baby Race

When your husband is on another Continent, it becomes completely impossible to even jog in the amazing baby race. It's more a standstill situation.
Biological clock is ticking crazy fast, my husband is shipped away from me, and I'm told I can join him....later.

It gets frustrating, because every person in the universe is pregnant, looking for cutsies in the line for the bathroom, looking for some poor tired soul to ride the train standing up so she can sit, getting her primo parking spot as though she is handicapped. They are everywhere in the commissary, shopping with their toddler running amuck, one in the baby seat, one in the baby bjorn, and pregnant again.
There is even a tv show about teen girls who can get pregnant.

And time keeps flying by for me. Fertility in a woman's 30's drops quickly and rapidly.
And I'm not blessed with  'hey my husband sneezed in germany and whoopsy poopsy! I'm now preg-nant.'

So, having said all that, I have been having recurring dreams about a baby boy. When I dream reocurringly of a baby, someone is going to have a baby. The dreams stop once I know who is pregnant.
It's like clockwork. I can't explain it, and I've never been wrong...

Process of elimination is that it isn't Lynsey...so there I am sitting on the sofa, and it hits me...maybe what if it was me? It could be me. I'm not every month regular. I'm every other month regular.  So who knows...it could in theory be me, right?

So I take a test.
 I'm used to the tests that only show ONE line when I pee on them. And of course
One line= Hahahahahaaha! Wahahahahaaha! You really thought you were pregnant?
 Two lines=Are you sure you didn't borrow pee from that extra fertile girl you know and sprinkle HER pee on this stick? Cause sister, you did it.

I"ve never seen two lines. Ever.
The one line dealio..that's my middle name.

This test...well this test had TWO lines on it!
I looked at it.
I rubbed my eyes.
I looked at it again.
I thought "No. Surely...No. Can't be. That' can't be TWO lines, I didn't sprinkle anyone else's pee on this."
I chewed my lip.
Yeah...that's two lines alright.
I smiled. MY pee made two lines! MINE.

No. No, it can't be.


Then I looked at the instructions.

Three lines. For this test. It takes Three Lines to be pregnant.
Again. One line short.

The reality of how pathetic I actually am coursed through my veins.
I wanted to throw it. I wanted to throw that pee covered stick as hard as I possibly could. I wanted to throw it so hard it would land on some pregnant woman.
Except, I didn't throw it. I just dropped in the trash...Turned off the bathroom light, got in bed and thought
"I quit."
And I didn't even cry.