Calorie Free Weekend...A blog about Fatness Fatness Everywhere!

Lyns arrived Friday night, much to my delight. She brought New Moon, for us to watch, since last weekend we got too sleepy after watching Twilight. We were going to play catch-up. And MOST definitely watch the movie this weekend.

But before we could settle into any movie-thon....We went firstly to the commissary to load up on mounds of junk food, which any good calorie free movie watching weekend demands.
Lyns & I walked around and around the commissary, dodging the hoverround gang that seemed to gaggle it's way into our aisle at every turn.
We couldn't decide on anything definite....everything looked good, but yet, nothing looked good. It was a hard decision but we settled on a chocolate peanut butter cake and some molly mcbutter. (Ms. McButter was for future use in Hobo Popcorn.)
AND some Lay's Pepper Relish Potato Chips (Mmm. Mmm. Deeelish!)
We came home, ate a non delivered Digorno...supreme. It lived up to it's name...it was Supreme...in deliciousness.

The Two of us, did not, in fact, make it to New Moon. Nay. Instead we laughed until we cried at Dane Cook's Vicious Circle.
We called it a night, and woke up saturday for shopping/junking/coffee drinking.

I made the world's strongest coffee, because that is how I like it.
We drank a cup, and headed to Dunkin Donuts...were we got MORE coffee and a delicious breakfast of Donuts.

Next stop? Goodwill Jessup.

There was treasure to be found...and Lyns had a new surname given to her. Trayvon, her robust cashier with sausage link fingers decided, that her last name was Goodwin.
Lyns said "GoodNo...It's Goodno."
Trayvon said "Oh...looks like...an E in there..."
This is just one more knotch in the running tally of "how many people can mispronounce our last names..."

Her running tally/My Running Tally:



Good-now/Shuman
Goodwin/Shoe-MON
Goody/Shumaker
Goodluck/Shultz
Good-n-plenty/Schwartz
GoodnessGracious GreatBallz of Fire/Shooweeisthatthelitterbox

We took our hard-to-understand surnames & carried on with our day, which took us less than a mile away to the wonderously amazingly mothball smelling Salvation Army.

There was very little debachery in the Army of Salvation.
We spotted some oh-so-lovely wedding gowns.
Some glorious acid washed jeans
And some sexy lingerie....circa 1962.
We passed on everything....
Even though Lyns found it positively heartwrenching to walk away from the acid washed Jeans.
We promptly went straight to the showrooms of Ikea.
Our mission? To get the basket, lamps, arty prints, organizers and cinnamon rolls on Lyns' list.

And to count up the number of fat pregnant women. (Any pregnant woman got on our tally of fat pregnant women)

We instantly found 2 pregnants, and what is without doubt the ugliest baby on the face of the planet...in it's division. (being the college park area of MD) Possibly the WORLD.

First of all, don't judge for me calling that baby ugly. Because, If I'd had my camera, I'd have proof. But I did NOT have my camera, so You will absolutely just HAVE to take my word for it.

She was blonde. Her hair was in sweat curls hanging limp around her head. She was fat. And that wasn't her downfall per se. I love fat babies.
But she wasn't just "hey, i'm a baby with some good old fashion chub-a-lub" fat. NOR was she "Look at my buddha belly isn't that cute?" robust?
No. She was a "I-can't-get-out-of-my-crib-due-to-my-girth-so-bring-me-a-box-of-fish-sticks-and-some-tartar-sauce-stat-then-call-Maury-and-book-me-on-an-episode" lard.
She was asleep in her Chicco stroller.
The bulk of her fat head was resting calmy on her fat fat face. She had the biggest weirdest cheeks I'd ever seen. They were bright red.  I  was only sure that it could  be, getting too hot while she slept, Alcohol Abuse, Balsam Apple Poisoning, Barber's Rash, Rosacea, or Exercising.
(Although...I think it's safe to eliminate the last from the list)


Her siblings were equally annoying. The Brothers were throwing "juice" from their sipper cups, at each other, except...it was going everywhere.
The parents...well, they were trendies. And proceeded to ignore the fact that Zoey was bitch slapping her brothers with a sense of glee. And I would've felt gleeful watching, except the older sister was on my nerves with her face.


The mom said "Trevor...Alex...I don't want JUICE on my things."
I thought..."Well, neither do I, lady...but you're the one with 4 spawn...so...might I suggest a Tubal Ligation/Vasectomy/NuvaRing/Depo Provera/IUD since barrior methods apparently have no appeal to you two horndogs?"

Lyns sneered at the 2nd to the youngest of the Poop-in-Your-Pants Brood as he grabbed our buggy and tried to do-si-do while we waited for employee assistance.


On our way out, we did indeed pick up a box of their Glorious Cinnamon Buns....FOR Sunday Breakfast...not for right now...
However, it must be said that We worked up an appetite in all the kid hating....and went to the Ghetto Fabulous Laurel Chic-Fil-A.
Lyns told me a story about someone she knows. I said "yeah. but who cares...she's fat."
Lyns said "Yeah...but she lost like 37 lbs. She's on the biggest loser diet.."
I said "She IS a loser."
She laughed. I munched a waffle fry.

Post Chic-fil-a-ing we went across the parking lot to Target. We debated on Baby Binks, but just said NO! To the potential calories lurking inside the bunny's two glorious sugar eyes.
Relying instead on the many calories that  were provided in the Dark Mocha Cherry Jubilee we found at Starbucks.
First of all, the sign on the chalkboard says "Admit it, you WANT to try the new Dark Cherry Mocha Latte!"
And I'm the first one here to admit that NO. You don't.
It's gritty.
It's bitter.
It's....nasty.

The two coffeed up sisters returned to the apartment, wherein the brother-in-law and chloe came for slumber party parte deux.

We had subway, and yes, we Finally watched New Moon, and lounged around in our calorie infested day...It was glorious...

The only sad part?
When they loaded up their loot, and new found treasures and went back to PA.
And I am going back to a low-calorie week :)