Just call me a Trypanophobic.

I had joy. Sheer joy when the EFMP coordinator told me that she had indeedy put in an appointment for me to get bloodwork at the Lab.
And this is huge considering, I hate needles. I will avoid needles at all costs.
Except...when it comes to going to be with my husband.
If you're holding my husband from me...and the ransom is me getting blood drawn...well, then I will let you poke me with a needle...but not without a panic attack. And it's embarrassing. I hate it about me. I feel so absurd.

So, my blood letting day... it started like this...
I wake up to a sunshiney day. Good Friday.
I take a long shower to prolong the needling.
I finally go to Fort Meade. And I see a line of cars. As in...the main gate is backed up. I think...What the...it's a sign..I shouldn't Go. And PS...what is up with this line?
Turns out...People need a DOD sticker now-a-days to get on post.

I continue on my way to the lab..thinking "it's good friday..I'm getting nervous for nothin' cause they are going to be closed and I won't have to do this." Even the parking lot kind of (KIND OF) encouraged my denial...it was empty enough that I got a parking spot CLOSE to the front door. Which nearly never happens at Kimbrough.
I walk in so smug. Almost smiling.  So confident that there wouldn't be a needle...but also kinda scared...what if there's NO needle...then I will still be no closer to my husband...Either way...lose-lose.

Except...the pharmacy had waiters. Waiting on their numbers to be called for their medicine. Doubts started to creep in when I heard that they were now serving B620. Probably the lab was open.

My palms started to sweat. I started to feel that the best option when it comes to fight or flight would be flight...to somewhere else...somewhere fantastical. Or somewhere non fantastical....just somewhere away from the Lab.
Which I'm sure "The Lab" is one of the 9 circles of Hell in Dante's Inferno. After all, it seems like no coincidence that the poem starts the day before Good Friday...and this already IS Good Friday...

I find myself standing at the door. Hand on the Handle. Turning it and half hoping that it's locked. Closed for Spring break, and all those wacky Phlebotomists are going wild at a needle convention raising their shirts for a box of syringes.
My image was destroyed as the door opened to a waiting room...where a man argued with the lady at the desk that his wife was his dependent...so he should have rights to hear about her blood tests for her "cholesterol thing."
She said "I can't tell you. It would break HIPAA law."
He put his hand on his hip, and chewed the air and said again "She's my dependent."
Finally he left in a huff.
And I took a number into my sweaty palm. Sat in a chair and thought....Just don't look at that Old Korean Lady staring at me....Pretend you dont' see her staring.

My number was called. F761.
The lady at the desk took my humid number and put it in the number holder.
I said "look. I hate this. I'm nervous. I passout. You need to know this. I definitely passout."
She goes "Girl, don' go passin' out on my watch. We take care of you. You ain't passin' out I promise. I got ways."
I smiled weakly.
A 50 something woman pipped up from the waiting area "Yeah. Don't worry, it's No big deal."
And sidenote..but that REALLY ticks me off. No, it's not a big deal....TO YOU. But to me, Yes. It is.

So, the lady at the desk tells me to take a seat around to the right, and she will be right in to take care of me.

I walk into the room, expecting...well, not this scene.
This 'scene' is litereally just a circle of chairs. In one room. Blood drawing is NOT a private thing at Ft. Meade.
Nay, drawing blood is a group effort. All we needed was a camp fire and wow. it'd be a day at summer camp.
I sit in the big green torture chair (I'm sorry but any chair that an arm folds over the front of you, is a torture device of Medieval caliber.)
I try to look at nothing. But I see blood tubes riding on the blood tube carnival ride. I look away... To the box of syringes that someone won at spring break 09.
I decided it was best to look at the stitching on the chair.

The girl came in and said "Ok. Girl. You ready, or do I do her first?" And pointed to the woman across from me.
I said "Her. I'll go last."

That was when there was an influx of people. All happy and giddy taking their seats. Like it WAS a joy ride.

My turn was up.  My lab tech says "Ok. Mrs. Soozman? Sue-Man? Seaman?"
I smiled weakly and said "Su-man. And I'm going to close my eyes now, so I don't see anything."
She said "Girl, no. Don't close them eyes. No reason to. I need you keep 'em open up ok? Cause all I'm gon' do is...."
but I cut her off and said "It's ok. please don't walk me through it."
She laughed and said "Ok." as I heard the pop of the arm wrapper thing-a-ma-bob or the needle popping into place or something...I felt my head start to swim
Ms. Lab tech said "OH Girl...ok make a fist, make it pump up, girl. What yer husband name is?"
I said "Michael."
She said "Ooh Micheal. Stop pumpin' you fist honey. He cute?"
I said "Ouch. yes. Uhm...very. I miss him. REALLY bad."
She said "You miss Michael? Why you miss Michael?"
I said "Because he's..."
She said "Ok...Mrs. Suman...open your eyes. Where he at?"
I said "Germany."
She said "you got kids?"
I shook my head no then muttered it weakly.
She said "You gone have kids?"
I said "Hope so."
She said "how many kids you want?"
I said "I.. don't care."
She said "How ever many God blesst you with?"
I nodded.
She said "How many you hope He blesst you with? 2? 3? Keep yo eyes open. Ok?"
I open them and see the little old Korean Lady staring at me like I'm a show that she got front rows at, by winning them from a call-in radio show. She was literally 2 inches from me. She started at me expressionlessly. In anticipation.
I said "yeah. sure. 2. that is a good number."
She said "Ok, honey you hold this to your arm ok. Keep you from bleetin on your shirt ok?"
I said "I need to lay my head down now. please. Because I can't...."
Everything in the room started going grey. The Lab lady shoved a yellow lollipop in my mouth. She said "Hold that. Taste it. Ok. What flavor is it?"
I heard the 50 something woman say with an air of snotty "If I ACT like I'm Nervous, will I get a lollipop?" She sounded so far away.
The sweet sweet Lab lady said "Firs of all, this ain't no ACK. We gets people like this all day. That's why we got the lollipops here. An' no. you wouldn't."
I was covered in cold sweat and freezing.
Lab Lady brought me in cold towels and told me to hold them on my neck. I said "I'm... ok. I think I can leave."
She said "Girl, no uh-uh. No way. You ain't leavin' until you ain't white as a ghost. When the color come back to your face, you can leave. Not until then."
A lady who just came in said to me "Did you pass out?"
The lab lady said "No. She did not."
the 50something said to me "I wish I could've seen you when I had my hysterectomy."
I wanted to say "Yeah, well YOU wouldn't have seen me when you had your hysterectomy, because YOU were probably asleep, punk."
But, nay. I did not. Instead, I sipped the ice cold  pepsi  that was put in front of me..and felt like a moron.

Now I just wait to see what vaccines I need, and what other needle torture these sadists want to bestow onto me to keep me longer from Michael....