Bromocriptine, Clomid, and Me, Oh MY!

There we sat, in Dr. Rosin's office, as she told us, with concern in her eyes, that while my body thinks I'm ovulating, my ovaries...well, they are just sitting there arms folded shaking their heads back and forth saying "nope" in unison.
The tone of her voice was laced with concern, but she tried to ring the bells of positivity with her German accent.
You would think words like "We don't have the time to waste anymore..." 
"We can't just keep trying this or trying that in hopes it will work..."
"I don't know if you have any eggs left, or if you have a lot of eggs left but we don't want to risk anything at this point..."
And "If the clomid doesn't work after two cycles, I send you to specialists."
Would cause alarm and panic to rage through my body. I glanced over at Michael, whose eyes were wide, taking it in.
But, adrenaline was not rushing through me. No panic.
I felt calm. Rooted even.

My sister had called me the night before. "Do you have your Bible handy?" She asked right after our Hello! & howareyas?
I said "This is how I'm a terrible person, my Bible is in Georgia."
"Your BIBLE is in GEORGIA!? Well, do you have ANY Bible nearby?" She said.
"Sure. Mike's."
"Go Get it, You HAVE to read this." She said.
So, I go to get it and flip to Isaiah 54.
She said "Yeah, I found this when I was at church."
I read it and said "They taught a whole sermon on this? COOL."
She said "Well, not exactly. I was just looking, and found it."
I said "G-d was like 'yeah yeah...turn the page...keep turning...HERE, read this!"

1 “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the L-RD. 2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. 4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.


She's been struggling as well, and I know G-d was speaking to her personally. But, I also think He knew I'd need it, the very next day.

So, there I sat in Dr. Rosin's. Fully unafraid. I've seen with my own eyes the Love of My Creator.  I've felt it in the air arround me. I know above all G-d is in control.



I know this because of one 4 year old's birthday. It came after 4 years of personal struggle for me. There I sat on the floor watching her rip open presents and with pure joy, exclaiming with excitement at each discovery. I felt overflowing love for her. Love so strong that I was immediately humbled and I heard G-d whisper to me "See, I've been here all along while you were searching so hard for Me."  I had always believed in G-d, but at that moment, I finally FELT Him.

I firmly believe that is why I sat there in Dr.Rosin's pretty little office beside my husband, glancing at her desk calendar marked that Saturday was her daughter's 5 year old Geburts party, with the sun shining in through the filmy white and gray curtains, full of assurance.  Thinking: This. This is just another trial.

I think I sometimes hear the laughter of Sarah. Like Hannah I have a husband so very much like Elkanah, and I strive to pray with such passion. If we have a child, if we do not have a child, if this medicine works, if it does not...
I know G-d loves me.
Is that one shining moment at that birthday party enough to last me a lifetime? Absolutely.