Angry.

There I said it.
I'm angry.

Michael is leaving tomorrow for a mission. We found out last night. During German class, at about 8pm.  Which means we had one evening and a day to get ready.
He is spending today running around tying up loose ends. I cleaned our apartment, because well...there's nothing else I can do.
And what's worse? He was volunteered for this. Not that he himself volunteered. Nay. Some brainiac decided "Mike could do it! Michael could fill the slot! Get on the horn with him now and share the joyous news!"
 None of the other 3 guys who are going are married. They didn't want married soldiers to go, I guess since they'd have to pay extra for them. I dunno how this crap works. All I know is they chose my husband because they needed one more person. Or something like that. Nice of them to do?
Tell him he's going, and leaving the in about 29 hours.... then tell him nothing else. Inform me of nothing. Which lets me know exactly how much they 'care' about spouses.

I saw Jill Biden on an AFN commercial. Oh she was talking about the sacrifices of military families, and how wonderful they were. I looked at the TV snarled then said "oh SHUT up, already." Out loud. To the tv.

My surliness is unstoppable.

Anyway, they won't even tell us how long he'll be gone. A month? 2 Months? 6 Months? He was told "It will at least be 30 days but it could be 6 months."

All of this fell right at the time we were REALLY trying to have a baby. I would've started the 100mg of clomid in just a couple weeks.
Now, well...clearly that isn't happening. The prescription is still sticking on our fridge, once a hopeful promise, now it's just a mockery.

All I can think is "So, you mean we won't be having a baby, AND my consolation prize is that I probably WON'T spend the holidays with my husband?  Oh wait, he may be back by St. Patrick's day...but don't hold my breath? Oh whew. Ok, I was worried there for a minute that we'd miss spending mother's day together, since clearly that's a biggie...for us."

I'm angry that my husband is leaving.
I'm angry that I don't know for how long.
I'm angry that other wives in this unit/company whatever it's called don't have to say goodbye to their husbands for some idiotic mission.
I'm angry that I cannot get pregnant.
I'm angry that every person I see has a baby and a couple of children in tow.
I'm angry that we just got the chance to use clomid, and the first round wasn't strong enough, so we missed our chance.
I'm angry that I'm expected to be happy for every fucking person who gets knocked up or just gave birth AND buy them a gift!
I'm angry that it wouldn't be nice to kick a baby carriage. I'm talking hauling off and kicking the shit out of a baby carriage.
I'm angry at people who say 'just adopt' or 'G-d has another plan for you." I want to say "Oh yeah, are you going to foot the bill for our adoption costs???? AND, since when have you personally seen G-d's blueprint/spreadsheet/power point for my life?"
And mostly, I'm angry that I have no particular person to be angry at except myself. I'm the one who is defective. I'm the one who can't reproduce.
I am the failure.

This, my friend, is exactly what Waylon Jennings was singing about when he belted out "Lonesome On'ry & Mean."
So, I am blasting it loud and proud in this apartment, just to treat the neighbors to my hostility.

Clomifen? Wasn't that the name of a Wicked Stepsister?

So, here it is. In our journey to attempt to become parents, I took Clomifen...you probably call it Clomid.
I read horror stories of moodiness.
Hot flashes waking people up in the middle of the night, and the bloatedness that accompanies this little white tablet.
But, I thought, it's only 5 days sacrifice, and then....Maybe Baby! Lots of people have luck out the wazoo with clomid. Heck, some even have such good luck they have 2 babies instead of just one. It's a wonder drug! Right?

Day 2 of the medicine, there I was, in my favorite grey loungies, hair in a half fallen ponytail. Feeling fat. Like the kind of fat that requires you to wash with a cloth tied to a stick.
 I wanted to cry over everything. Literally. People in love, People out of love, People who are deliriously happy. People making fun of the Pope's Ring, The smell of the brewery whafting it's initial chocolatey scent into our apartment...
Which lead to the ravenous search for chocolate, and the sheer tears of joy at finding my husbands hershey bar chilled in the crisper of our fridge. I tore into it like it was a letter from Ed McMahon from the great beyond telling me that I was a big winner of a bajillion dollars.
Then I proceeded to eat it as though I'd been starved for days, no make that months, and it was the first food I'd discovered.(Sorry Honey, it was the last in the pack, and, well, it was fair game)


Then I wanted to lick the salt of some plain lays and toss the chip to the side like a castaway.
It was not pretty in this apartment.

Day 3 dawned bringing with it the shrill sounds of the neighbor's kid in the courtyard, mingling with the other neighbor who believes in allowing her infant to self sooth (Thus letting her/him cry...no scratch that scream bloody murder for half hours at a time all day long. It annoyed me. It made me want to act juvenile and throw something out the window in the general direction hopefully hitting the rambunctious child, and scream at the self soother's mom.
 So, I took a walk downtown. Oh and let me just say, it was gorgeous out. 70 degrees (F), sunny, wonderful. Absolutely WONDERFUL.
That was when the hotness decided to flash. Not in the middle of the night, in the privacy of my own bedroom where I could stand in front of the fan butt naked if I so desired.
No, of course not.
It happened right there in the outdoor market. I felt the huge drops of sweat start to form and fall off my forehead. My deodorant decided to skip town on me, my arm pits started stinking, and I grew a sweat bead moustache.
No. One. Else. was sweating.  Even the furriest dog wasn't panting.

Day 4. Nothing. No side effects. No desire to cry. No desire to roundhouse kick anyone. In fact, I felt...great. Amazing. NEVER better. I danced around the apartment. I used the swiffer sweeper as a microphone.  I was lovin' life.

Day 5, Awesome day. Even the overcast yucky day didn't dampen my mood of glee.

So, Dr. Rosin told me to come to her office today at noon. Specifically she need to see me at Noon. For an ultrasound to see if the Clomifen actually did what it was supposed to, which is to produce follicles.

 I got there 10 minutes early. They now know me by name. The receptionist happily greeted me "Hallo! Frau Suman! How are you dis day?"
Then I sat on the white couch and waited. While sitting there, waiting for Dr. Rosin, even though I was looking at my Country Living Magazine, I got nervous.
Not so much about the sonogram. I mean, I'm kind of a veteran at this point.

But it was kind of like...the S.A.Ts for Ovaries....and what if mine didn't study hard enough? What if instead of prepping for their exam,  they were lounging on the sofa watching reruns of Good Times, laughing at J.J.'s antics, when they SHOULD'VE been studying analogies.

She came up to me and bent down "Hi! Ready?"
I, looking up from my magazine, shrugged. "I guess so."
We chatted a bit, she asked me some routine questions, then she gave me the gown to put on.
Dr. Rosin got to work right away looking for the follicles.  She furrowed her brow and said "Ok, so if you try to be smooth, it vill be...maybe vee can see dee...ovaries better, na?"
I tried to relax, but seriously? relaxing isn't easy, even with Snoopy looking at me from my socks.
She said 'Vell, deer is nossing on dee right sides, so I look at dee leff ones.'
I saw my right ovary up on the projector and I swear it looked at me and sang
"Keepin' ya head above water, makin' a wave when ya can! Temporary Lay offs! Good Times! Easy Credit Rip offs!"
 I could almost smell the doritos on my right ovary's breath.

Dr. Rosin said "Veeeeell...dee leff one is..." she sighed "Maybe dis time vee try you for 2 tabletten of dee clomifen per day. More is better for you. Dee leff one, is nossing. Maybe some little fo-leek-ulls, but dey is not big enough to..." she moved her hand around.
I said "Oh." I got what she was trying to say "Ok. Uhm. Is that normal?"
Dr. Rosin bobbed her head side-to-side to indicated she was thinking "Yeah, dis is a little bit normal. So, remember dat clomifen is only dee furrs steps in dee process. Is alvays dee furrs steps."
I smiled weakly.
My ovaries failed their S.A.T.s. Lazy Eggs. No sperm would accept them.
She said "So, I checks dee prolactine again for you, just to make sure dee....levels is good, na? If dey are not so good, I call you. If dey are good, I see you next month for again dee sonograms."

So...my ovaries were duds AND I had to get stuck with a needle? How was this fun?
My needle stick was quick. I like the way Germans stick you with a needle. Quick and to the point. Yes, it still makes me light headed, but I am handling it much better. I only break out in a small sweat now, and I still get light headed but it's more manageable.
I'm pretty sure they don't make a tshirt that says 'Hey, I can't have a baby, but I no longer faint from needles." But you know what? They should.

I stepped out into the sunshine. Immediately dodging 2 (yes 2) pregnant ladies. Side by side. Like attack of the Fruitful and Fertile. I let them and their crowded bellies pass by.
The day was too gorgeous to sit on a bus, I decided to walk to Tegut to get Michael's chicken for tomorrow.
 By the time I made it from Dr. Rosin's to the ZOB, I had dodged a total of 4 expectant moms, and countless new parents pushing their cute little Euro strollers.
 I decided to call Mike.
He answered on the second ring.
"Hey Baby!" he answered cheerfully. He knew where I was going today.
"Hi!" I said back cheerfully. I decided it was like ripping off a band aid. Just tell him. No frills no tears. "Well, I just got out of Dr. Rosin's. The Clomid didn't work."
He didn't answer right away "Wait, it did NOT work?"
I said "Yeah, but, I mean...it's ok."
He said "Oh. I'm so...sorry."
I said "Don't apologize to me. I mean, it's ok. It's not the end of the world. And she wants to...you know, she wants me to take more next time to see if...well, to see if it works, and plus, I mean my left ovary, it made some..whatever they are..but they were too small. So, I mean she said, there are other options if this doesn't work, but I don't want to do them."
He said "Ok. But...."
I said "To be honest, I don't know if I want to, even continue, this."
He said "Yes. Continue. Just a little longer."
I said "Well, It's just it's NOT the end of the world if we don't have a baby. It's not. I mean there is a lot of stuff we could do instead. Right? I mean...right?"
He said "Yeah. I guess, but What? I mean I want one, too. I want to try."
I standing at a cross walk waiting for the little man to turn green so I could cross Luitpold Strasse I looked beside me, in the stroller was a fat baby sleeping.
I said "But I mean think of what else we could do without a child. Like...travel. We could and...we wouldn't have to clean up...fecal matter...off of another human."
He laughed and said "Not yet anyway, not until we are old."
Which made me laugh.
Then he said "Hey. How bout when I get home the 2nd night I'm home, we go out to eat?" (the 2nd night because the 1st night, well, he doesn't know how late it could be when he walks through the door)
And right then...that was the moment I wanted to cry.
Only because I knew he was trying to do something nice for me.
I could hear it in his voice.
So, I cheerfully said "Sure! that sounds really good actually."

Then I went to Tegut and bought a chicken.

Kittens, Avocado Stoves and not a Pot Roast to be Found.

When Michael goes to the field, even if it's just for 10 days (like this time), I always like to have something special for him when he comes home. I will make a special dinner and a dessert. I figure he's sick of eating whatever they feed them when they go do whatever it is they do.
Plus, it's my way of saying I love you.

I learned it from my Mom and Grandma, who learned it from the women they came from.
If I feed you, I love you. Rest assured on that.

Typically, Michael puts his two cents in, making requests during his nightly calls home. Sometimes being out in the field brings out the little bit of Southern I've managed to instill in his belly, and he will ask for Skillet Corn (You may call it Fried Corn.)
He's been known to ask for Lasagna, Chicken Pot Pie, whatever.

Two days ago the phone rang. We chatted, he ranted, we laughed, I asked what dinner he'd like when he gets home.
Michael paused, obviously thinking, then said "Hmmm...could you surprise me?"
I said "Uhm...sure. No idea of what you'd like?"
He said no, and I shrugged.

I decided late last night I'd make chicken & dumplins. He loves it, grinning the entire time he's eating them.
The chill in the air, the acorns on the ground, the yellowing of the leaves...the weather is perfect for them. Plus it's been a year since we had the simple deliciousness of Chicken & Dumplins.

Michael called today. For a wonderfully mundane conversation of kittens. Inspired by an ad in a magazine I was looking at while we chatted. It was the cutest little grey kitten going grocery shopping.
I mean, REALLY how cute IS that? A kitty grocery shopping.
It's off the cuteness meter, that's how cute it is. Which absolutely makes me crazy cat lady, to admit it to you, but even describing it to Mike, made him chuckle. (There it is for you to enjoy the cuteness)

I said "So, I figured out what I'm going to make for dinner."
He said "Yeah? What's that?"
I said "Weeeell, you love it."

He said "Ok."
I said "AND we haven't had it in a YEAR at least."

He blurted out "POT ROAST?"
I could almost hear him salivate.
I said "Uhm, honey, it's not been a year since we had pot roast. It's been since June."

"Oh." He said "So, it's not Pot Roast?"

"Uh-uh. Something you love AND it takes all day to make." (well, not really ALL day long...but..He doesn't know that...)
Michael said "Well....I'm not sure what that is."
I said "Chicken and Dumplins!"

Trying to make it sound as glamorous and as Elvis-Glittery as a hunk of beef sweating in the slow cooker with carrots and potatoes as the back-up singers.

I have to admit, I felt like I was the model for the consolation prize on The Price is Right, when the contestant was going for the win of an all expense paid trip to Hawaii, but Plinko had other plans. Plans that let him down and gave him the Avocado green stove top range, instead.

"Oh! Yum!" He sounded excited enough.
So I threw in for extra measure "Since I make them from scratch, and it takes ALL DAY LONG, it will be extra special."
He said "Sounds really good actually. Good choice, baby! I can't wait to be home with you."
I smiled and closed my eyes and said "I can't wait, either."

So, maybe my Chicken & Dumplins aren't an avocado green stove, after all.

The horrors of flying

After a happy, fun (Regardless of my car breaking down) vacation in the States, the time had come for me to return to Bamberg (home of the barking/howling neighbor's dog). I dreaded saying G'bye. I hate Goodbyes and will cry typically EVERY time. My parents took me to the airport, and as I hugged them bye (quickly) I kept from making too much direct eye contact with them while in line for security. Just to keep the tears harnessed.

My flight was at 10:40pm (And getting through security was a breeze, and NO body scan for me! I dodged it somehow and only had to go through the metal detector.)
I made it to my gate with time to spare, enough time to read People Magazine's Kate extravaganza. In the back of my mind I was silently willing my seat (24A) to be on the aisle.
When the time to board came, we were supposed to be called by row, but around row 35, people threw caution to the wind and it became a free for all.
In front of me was the ugliest Dutch child I'd ever seen. He was blond with curls galore, and looked like something you'd find down in Whoville. It was hate at first sight. He was already throwing a fit. Which set the tone for badness.
I kept willing the parents to take charge of their...spawn, as he kicked and bucked and generally acted like a wild chimpanzee.
Still in my preboarding state, I was still silently begging the Royal Dutch for an aisle seat. (I like the aisle better than the window because a) getting up and taking a stroll is MUCH easier when you don't have to crawl over the sleeping. b) what's to see out the window but endless miles of Ocean?  PLUS the shades will be closed to create a night effect. (right?)

Sumie and I aren't elite, and we don't fly 'Business Class'. We slum it with the others in Economy..but guess what? the "Business" don't get there any faster than us...and it's a party in the back.

Anyway, I finally get on board, and begin the seat hunt. There it is, in all it's cramped glory 24A..window seat. SERIOUSLY?
I put my back pack overhead and the 3 JERKS (with the hard core body odor)  in the row in front of my row have their seats reclined.
Aisle Seat guy, smug with the pride of my coveted seat gets up for me to get in. I have to situate at an angle thanks to the 3 in front of us. I sit and think "I bet I will have to pee 20 mins into the flight and Mr. Aisle seat will be snoring."
Then, despite how packed the flight already is, I think, BUT, maybe just maybe the middle seat was unbooked giving me and aisley some elbow room.
Much to my disappointment, what should appear but a little man. A little man who looked more like a character than an actual person. In his 50's he had a mustache that was well manicured and blonde, a pot belly, and light brownish blondish hair. He completed his look with khaki pants and a striped shirt.
I sighed.
He sat down and completed our sardining.
"Looks like we're in for the long haul."  He was talking ot me.
I smiled weakly. Just to be nice. He took that to me "PLEASE talk non stop to me."
"Amsterdam your final stop?" He said as he unwrapped his giant burrito.
"No. I'm going to Germany." I said.
"Whoa-ho-ho...where in Germany?"
"Nurnberg."
"So, what you're going there to visit? Or..."
Was this man with the census or something?
"My husband & I live in Germany."
"Wow." He said chewing his black beans "How come you live there? What is he in the military or something?"
I nod. Watching his mustache move with each chew. I didn't realize mustaches move but they do.
"Wanna know where I'm off to? Bahrain."
He didn't even give me time to guess. "Oh. awesome." I responded flatly.
"Not really awesome" he said coughing in my total direction "They are in the middle of ramadan."
"Oh. Ok."
I put my headphones on and was tuning into an episode of The Office.
"Wanna know something about Ramadan?"  He asked right over the theme music.
"No." I said to him, which is odd because I never am rude.
"Well..." he said continuing to tell me about a holiday I really am not interested in.

Meanwhile in front of me? Yeah the guy with the window seat had his shade open. Not that he could see much at night. A flight attendant came by and said "Sir, I need to ask you to please close your shade. We will be in daylight in an hour and we need to keep it dark in here for those who want to sleep."
He ignored her.
An infant began to wail.
About 20 mins later, Mustache man was still chatting it up, baby was still mournful and another flight attendant came by to ask B.O. to shut his shade. "Sir, You NEED to lower your shade. We will be in daylight in less than an hour." He lowered it to half.
I tuned into Modern Family as dinner arrived (WORD to the wise, NEVER when given the choice, go with the fish.)
Another flight attendant asked B.O. in front of me to lower his shade immediately. He lowered it, only to lift it again when she walked away.

I put the music on to drown out the sounds of that very disgruntled infant, Mr. Mustache (who in addition to scarfing down his burrito also cleaned his airline dinner. Commenting that the potato salad was 'amazing.'
 It was about that time that I started to smell the raunch odeur of cheese. Old moldy cheese. Limburger.
Mustache had taken off his shoes...and for the record was WIGGLING his toes. To spread the stinch.

I fell asleep to the sounds of Adele, only to wake to the stinch of sheer...farts... and blinding sunlight.

Here is something you should know about me...given the wrong circumstances, I wake up ready to throw down in fisticuffs.
I look over at mustache. He is sleeping sideways in his chair. Butt aimed and firing right at me.
Black beans.
I look in front of me, sunlight pouring in from the B.O. in front of me. He was obliviously snoozing.

I did something I'm not proud of, but come to think of it, I'm not ashamed of either. Blame it on the sunlight, the cheese feet, the gaseousness, being trapped in a window seat....

But I shook the back of the chair of B.O.
I shook it hard.
Hard enough to rouse him from slumber. He sat up with a look of sleep induced confusion. I smiled. Then I promptly faked sleep so he wouldn't know it was me.
When he drifted off, I shook it again.
I'm so mature.
During my shaking extravangza...Mustache rolled over to face me. Mouth open, burrito smells whafting not only from his rear, but from his mouth too. He coughed and hacked in his sleep all while facing me.

When we landed I wanted to kiss the floor of Schipol. Except I just went to the bathroom to apply some Secret, since there is no A/C in that airport.

On the 2nd flight, a nervous flyer was sitting in my seat by his wife. I took his seat, and thankfully it was an aisle seat, but that flight was only 55mins, so it wasn't that necessary. I look to my right, there was a german man, calmly reading his newspaper, picking his teeth.
He then inspected his tooth residue on his finger and promptly ate it.
I thought..."Well, I'm back in Europe."

Finally after 55 minutes of ignoring my tooth picking neighbor, I made it to Nurnberg only to see my sweet sweet husband's smiling face.
It is good to be home.

And now? Yeah, I caught whatever junk Mr. Mustache had, and so I'm coughing and hacking all over this apartment.

Que Sera Sera

I went downtown for an afternoon of shopping. Of course, I made a stop by Karstadt. There I stood on the 3rd floor, in glad amazement in front of the many fabrics lined up in blissful display. They were just waiting for someone to come and cut by the meter. I decided  right there that I am desperate for a sewing machine.
Yes, I ran my hands over each bolt of sky blue, baby pink, country paisley smiling with each bump. Clearly, I looked like an escapee from the crazy house.  Thankfully, I stopped short of dancing in graceful circles, so don't worry about me.

I was truly enjoying myself. Of course I sauntered down to the first floor where the finest display of candies await any jittery sugar junkie fiending for a fix. (I didn't choose a truffle, but went with the standard Bounty Bar. Which is the cousin to the Mounds Bar in the event that you didn't know)

Then I was out the door and on my way. While walking around outside (Looking for nothing in particular and anything really) there was a man with a clarinet beside a man with an accordian. They were living it up and making the MOST lively outdoor shopping music. In fact EVERYONE was amused. Oma's were clapping their hands off beat, some girl was dancing...It sounded like the 1940's come back to life...Ok wait...the 1940's Stateside...not German 1940's...don't want to necessarily conjure up THOSE images....
It was too nice NOT to stop and listen for a song.
Trust me when I say, every euro cent  people tossed in their opened clarinet case, they earned that day. And it was money well spent. That music was WORTH probably more than they got.

It made me feel like I was in a movie and Walter Burns & Hildy Johnson would be bantering right  there, if I only turned around to look behind me.

The sun was shining, all in all...FABULOUS day.
I climb back onto the 902 bus to bring my discoveries back to our little apartment. I was early, so I knew I'd get a good seat.
In fact, it was 10 whole minutes before the bus was going to pull out. I stamped my ticket and got a front row seat. (Which I like the most because it's a single seat and no one is going to plop down next to you while asking "Geht's?" or "Frei?")
I settled in admiring the way the sun filters through the green leaves. (Funny that I was worried I'd probably never see green again a few months ago.)
There were three little girls sitting behind me to my left. They were probably 10 or no more than 11. They were chatting typical little girl chats. In their rapid conversation, I caught only some key words, Horses, Cats, School, Friends, Books, Songs, Chocolate, Mom, Music  (remember I'm still a baby german speaker.)
Then, to my delight, they broke into song. Que Sera Sera. In Englisch!
Their voices sounded so sweet. I turned back to look at them.
It was such a beautiful sight. 3 Little girls, happy, swaying back 'n forth to the words of the song. One with a sticker on her hand, one with her hair  falling out of her pony tail, one with smooth gorgeous blond hair pulled back from her face with a tiny head band. All three of them wearing friendship bracelets.

They sang
When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will be rich?
Here's what she said to me,
Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see...

There voices were so sweet, and so full of childhood happiness...
I turned around in my seat, and looked at the window fighting back tears. It made me want to CRY. Happy tears. A piece of home so far away in those little girl voices.

I couldn't help but hope all three of their futures are full of beauty, riches (even beyond money), painted pictures, lovely songs and many many days as fascinating as mine was that very day.

The List for Love

In my old blog, I found a list I'd created of what I absolutely wanted in a man. In all honesty, I hadn't even remembered creating this list.
But I do remember that this was very much what I yearned for. I believed these things would be the very foundation for a lasting love. I still believe that.
I wrote this exactly 3 months before Michael came into my life.
When I read this tonight, I sat dumbfounded, with tears in my eyes; because my Michael my darling husband who I love more than words can convey...fills everyone one of these wants and then some (Well, ONE of these he maybe a LITTLE sketchy on but who's counting?)

Sometimes the best way to count your blessings is to go back in time just a smidge to take a good look at where you started....



So basically, I've listed it. The things I want. The things I'm looking for.



He must be able to make me laugh really hard
Be goofy/zany with me
Really listen to me
Not judge me when I reveal the MOST secret thing about me.
Hold my hand
Make friends with dogs or cats and babies easily
Have philosophies on life
Let me put my cold feet between the warm crooks of his knees at night
Have belief in G-d, a Superior being, Something spiritual.
Have formed opinions about politics, principles and pizza toppings
Humor my need to be moody sometimes
Never leaves wet towels on the bed
Understand when I give him "the eyes" in a crowded room.(You know those secret "Can you BELIEVE this person?" Eyes)
Doesn't yell. Not at other drivers, or me.
Will be content to lay on his back in the grass, and watch the clouds, or the stars while talking about the universe, his most embarrassing moment, or the best chocolate cake he ever tasted.
Fake Accents with me
Dance with me
Can relish in the silence sometimes
Read to me. I don't care what it is Chopin, Foote, Us Magazine, Our horoscopes. Sometimes I just like to hear someone talking.
Doesn't shut off emotionally/lie/ Isnt' selectively honest/Never would deam of cheating
Makes me feel like the only woman in the world
Never ever under any circumstanes picks his nose in the car, at the stop light. Or anywhere for that matter. No booger fingers are gonna touch me!
Does not mirror my thoughts feelings completely. I like to banter.
Gets me. Really Gets who I am.
Is unabashedly with me.
Because I know I'll do all these things in return. Without being asked.


Don't think for one minute I do not know that I am a very BLESSED woman.

Bromocriptine, Clomid, and Me, Oh MY!

There we sat, in Dr. Rosin's office, as she told us, with concern in her eyes, that while my body thinks I'm ovulating, my ovaries...well, they are just sitting there arms folded shaking their heads back and forth saying "nope" in unison.
The tone of her voice was laced with concern, but she tried to ring the bells of positivity with her German accent.
You would think words like "We don't have the time to waste anymore..." 
"We can't just keep trying this or trying that in hopes it will work..."
"I don't know if you have any eggs left, or if you have a lot of eggs left but we don't want to risk anything at this point..."
And "If the clomid doesn't work after two cycles, I send you to specialists."
Would cause alarm and panic to rage through my body. I glanced over at Michael, whose eyes were wide, taking it in.
But, adrenaline was not rushing through me. No panic.
I felt calm. Rooted even.

My sister had called me the night before. "Do you have your Bible handy?" She asked right after our Hello! & howareyas?
I said "This is how I'm a terrible person, my Bible is in Georgia."
"Your BIBLE is in GEORGIA!? Well, do you have ANY Bible nearby?" She said.
"Sure. Mike's."
"Go Get it, You HAVE to read this." She said.
So, I go to get it and flip to Isaiah 54.
She said "Yeah, I found this when I was at church."
I read it and said "They taught a whole sermon on this? COOL."
She said "Well, not exactly. I was just looking, and found it."
I said "G-d was like 'yeah yeah...turn the page...keep turning...HERE, read this!"

1 “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the L-RD. 2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. 4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.


She's been struggling as well, and I know G-d was speaking to her personally. But, I also think He knew I'd need it, the very next day.

So, there I sat in Dr. Rosin's. Fully unafraid. I've seen with my own eyes the Love of My Creator.  I've felt it in the air arround me. I know above all G-d is in control.



I know this because of one 4 year old's birthday. It came after 4 years of personal struggle for me. There I sat on the floor watching her rip open presents and with pure joy, exclaiming with excitement at each discovery. I felt overflowing love for her. Love so strong that I was immediately humbled and I heard G-d whisper to me "See, I've been here all along while you were searching so hard for Me."  I had always believed in G-d, but at that moment, I finally FELT Him.

I firmly believe that is why I sat there in Dr.Rosin's pretty little office beside my husband, glancing at her desk calendar marked that Saturday was her daughter's 5 year old Geburts party, with the sun shining in through the filmy white and gray curtains, full of assurance.  Thinking: This. This is just another trial.

I think I sometimes hear the laughter of Sarah. Like Hannah I have a husband so very much like Elkanah, and I strive to pray with such passion. If we have a child, if we do not have a child, if this medicine works, if it does not...
I know G-d loves me.
Is that one shining moment at that birthday party enough to last me a lifetime? Absolutely.