A sort-of Baby story.

I found out, on October 8th, that guess what? I'm pregnant.

Michael was away on a mission for who-can-say-how-long.

Two pregnancy tests, and calls to family and friends for an over-the-phone confirmation, and there I stood looking at those little double lines in total shock.

3 days later, It was confirmed by the health clinic on post. 

Me. Little ol' me. Pregnant. 

I rode the post shuttle bus and cried from happiness as the bus driver blasted Colbie Caillatt's song, Brighter Than the Sun. 
My heart was singing those very lyrics to my tiny baby who was secretly just in there, doing what they do at that stage of life.

My first doctor's appointment was a mix of excitement, nervousness, and nausea. I sat in the waiting room waiting for what seemed like decades, breathing through my mouth, willing myself NOT to throw up. 

The person who coined the phrase MORNING sickness, clearly had things a bit easier than me. I had what could only be described as round-the-clock sickness.

Finally Dr. Rosin called me back. He smiled and shook my hand. "I remember you." 

I said "Oh. Really?" (My nerves for male doctors in connection with my hootnanny was still very sketchy.)
He said "Yes, Dee name Suman, stays in my mind."

I sat arrow straight listening to all his advice. I committed to memory all of the do's and do-nots for a healthy wonderful pregnancy. Only eat raw veggies if they can be peeled. (etc...etc)

He smiled and said "Ok, let's see this person we have been talking about."

I stepped into the phone booth sized dressing room and shimmied out of my jeans.

He said "I think you must know our chair by now." 

"The CHAIR" can be overwhelming at first, but now, I'm an old-hand at sitting in it and being reclined and lifted for optimum hootnanny viewing.

I said "Yes, I remember the chair... from seeing your wife."

In just a few minutes there we were, looking at the life inside of me. 

He was smiling as he said "See dee little fast fluttering that looks like buttahfly wings?"

I nodded "Yes."
He said "Dat is ya baby's heart beating."
I said "REALLY?" 

He nodded.
I started crying from sheer excitement. I said "Oh, I'm so sorry for the tears." (I still was unsure of german culture and open crying.)

He said "You are seeing life inside you, is ok to cry. This is your time to cry."
I said "I worry about everything."
The doctor said "You have done your job. You made a nice home inside you for dee baby. Now, is in His Hands. God is in charge." as he pointed to the sky.

I smiled and nodded.
Then the doctor printed the very first picture of my little blueberry shaped baby.

I held it with pride. Like nothing Olan Mills could produce could be prettier. 

I got congratulations from the front desk as they worked on getting my blood samples. My little photo sitting on my purse so not to get folded bent or ruined in any way. I kept thinking "I cannot wait for Michael to see our baby! 

I almost skipped back to the city bus. I smiled at every baby carriage that strolled by.  I wanted to hold up the photo for everyone to see.

I went home and waited for the next 3 weeks to pass, until my next appointment just to see my baby again.  Who cares about the bloodwork? I want to see what's going on in there. I had the most bizarre dreams, and food cravings that changed to nausea in the blink of an eye. 

I lounged on the sofa like a slug, sipping ginger ale, and praying to NOT throw up, praying TO throw up, and buying 7 different kinds of toothpaste, in the frantic search for one that would NOT make me gag.

I cold-turkey quit coffee, and my beloved diet coke with lime.

I became obsessed with plastics and their recycling numbers.

I bought a Natursutten Pacifier to protect my baby from BPA, and other chemicals.

I bought an Aden and Anais blanket for whoever it was growing inside of there.

My second doctor's appointment came. I was so excited. I rode the bus downtown smiling at the world. I was en route to see my baby. Which, I learned from babycenter, was now the size of a plum. That's a big jump from blueberry.

My favorite front desk nurse greeted me "Mrs. Suman! How are you? Did ya bring dee mutter book with you today?" (A mother's book, is basically a little book that a pregnant woman in Germany takes with her EVERYWHERE. It has all the important info in it. Dr. Rosin explained to me that it was AS important as my passport.)
I smiled "No, I am supposed to get it today."
She nodded "oh yes." 

Then she weighed me, and took my blood pressure. She informed me that she will "Erase One Kilo  for shoes and clothes. Every visit." I had lost weight from being sick, so erasing 1 kilo wasn't a concern for me at that moment.

I sat and waited for my appointment. I looked at the baby magazine they had in the waiting nook. Smiling at every baby.
Dr. Rosin called "Mrs. Suman?"  I stood up, and saw him with his last patient. He was tickling the belly of her tiny baby boy in his little carrier. The doctor  saw me and smiled.
I sat in the consult chair by his desk, as he told me everything I was immune to, what I was not immune to. He instructed me not to clean any cat "toilets" because I am NOT immune to Toxoplasmosis. (Which is bizarre since I've been around cats my entire life.)

Then he said "Let's look at the baby, now."

There I was in the chair again. I was watching the projection on the wall. I started getting nervous. I saw no fast heartbeat fluttering. I thought "He'll find it." I glanced at my Doctor, who was sitting there staring hard at his computer screen. My heart fell. Completely fell.

He looked sick.

I could see the wheels turning in his head...wondering how to tell me the bad news.

Finally, He pressed his lips together, and then said "I'm so sorry...the baby is not..."

And I have no idea what he said after that. 

I burst into tears.

He rubbed my leg and turned off the picture.

Then he came and sat beside me as the tears fell hard and fast. 

I said "I waited...so long for this...." I was crying so hard the chair shook. I said "Is it something I did?" and I looked at him.

He had tears. He was crying with me. He said "No. No Mrs. Suman. You did nothing wrong."
I said, and I'm not sure why I felt he should know, "I'm alone. My husband is deployed."

I asked what I needed to do. He told me I had to have a D&C.

"Will you be the one to do it, please?" I asked through tears.

He said that he would. That it would have to be on Sunday at the Klinikum, since that is when he was on call. (I knew I wanted no other person to remove the baby from me. I couldn't STAND the idea of a doctor who doesn't know me to do the surgery.)

He handed me tissues, then I asked to get dressed again.

The doctor allowed me to sit in his office and cry as long as I needed to.

When the doctor opened his office door to walk me to the desk, the nurse who erased one kilo from my weight saw me from across the way. 

Her face fell. She said "Oh. God. No. No. It can't be." and she ran to me. 

She threw her arms around me.

I cried all the way to the bus stop.

I cried on the bus ride home. 

An elderly gentleman got up and hugged me. Shaky with his cane, he put his arms around me. He had no idea the reason behind my tears. He just knew I needed that hug.

I cried from the bus stop to home.

When I got on the sidewalk right outside our apartment, I thought "Who am I rushing home for? There is no one there."

Once I got inside, I closed the door behind me, and slid down the back of the door sobbing. Earth shaking sobs that I didn't know existed inside of me. 

I contacted Michael's First Sgt. to let her know, in hopes that maybe Micheal could call me.

I never expected they would work so hard and fast to bring him home for the procedure. 

But they did just that.